It Hurts The Most

right now. i am hurting. so far, the most.
and they say it hurts the most when you don't have a friend.
i feel so friendless now. But i know there's one person i can go to forever.
Izyan. :D Thank you, girllfriennnddd!

I always had this so called quote in my head.
When you say there's no one in this world that would talk to me or so....
Who are you talking to right now? Why is that person listening?

But now, now is the time i say, I don't even listen to my own advices.
I don't know who i am anymore. I am bitter than ever. But i realized something.
I asked for it. I was so happy and cheerful last year.
And i have always wanted to be emo. Well, not emo, just covered in black stuffs.
I asked god to make me emo. I guess i forgot to say style.
But one thing's for sure.
God listened. God heard. God gave. God granted.
Now, i'm more confident that God would give me what i want in the future, maybe not all of them but at least something.

Now, when i just look into the mirror, i see black clothing, black hair, black eyes.
Now, i try to wear normal clothes, coloured. everyday. just pick one from the cupboard. Done.
But still, i think it has become a habit. Or maybe the coloured clothes are just pushed to the back cause i dug out all the black ones.
Now, when i look into the mirror, every time, i say to myself.
'Where's the happy me?'
'God bring her back. I miss her. I miss my old self.'
I was so happy i wanted to be sorrow.
Now, can i have my happiness back.

I have never been as happy as i have ever been for a long time apart from 2 days ago. I got rolling stones BABEH!

Oh yeah, nick j's song might not be fun to listen to in the car with your family/friends. But,
listen to it alone, listen to the songs when u feel like the song.

Right now, the only friends i can think of are
Izyan, Casey, Suraya. My angels :D
Hmmph. If i say something about someone for about, say, TWICE, am i already praising her?
Sorry she's a better friend than you are.

I still remember your excuse, Fina.
'I thought, Jai? Study? NAAH.'
Here's my case.
You fuckin planned it in front of my face and i fucking nodded and said
'Yeah! Let's study!' But you didn't listen do you? I guess i was invisible that time. Cause shamira was beside me.

And take note, Akak. I put it all here cause i can't say it face to face.
When i try to talk, you won't listen. That's why i put it on twitter and yet you tell me to delete it.
Hmmph, i did it so that i won't talk back and piss my mom off like YOU DO!
I even forgot what my tweets were about. You should try it, it really makes your angry meter go down down down down down. DOOOOWNN! Jay sean, i used to have a crush on you back on your first album.

Hmm. 'I thought you can't come'
The same way i thought my mom would never let my friends sleepover. But she did didn't she?
Hmmph. Pergi OU, dengan Shamira. Tak Ajak. Tak Bagitau.
Babi la korg.

'We seriously wanted to invite you, Jai. But we knew you couldn't come so we didn't want to tell you because we wanted to spare your disappointment.'
Really dhania? I thought you've been through worse and you tell me you wanted to spare my disappointment.
BY NOT TELLING ME.
I think my disappointment would be spared if you TOLD me.
So that i didn't have to find out later than everyone. You know, be the last one to know. PURPOSELY?
GO SUCK ASS, DHANIA.

How's this?
'Hey Jai, we're going out today.'
'Aw. I wanna come! But i can't. Where to?'
'Oh, watch Valentine's Day. KLCC. I know you can't just wanted to let you know'
'Okay then, have fun for me! Call you later, dish okay?'
'Kay doll, bye Jai'

against...

...'Had fun with you three today, i'll always remember the 'nangis 3 kali''
'She went out with 3 people today? Hmmph. Tak ajak. Asshole.'

'Hello darling!'
'Hey Jai!!'
'So, how was your texting session?'
''blablabla[stuff i don't give a damn about] blablabla'

'Tadi actually i went out with yeen afiq and shamira tau.'
'OH KELUAR TAK AJAK EH?'
'Well, [your stupid excuse here]'

Do you know what i was thinking?
I thought.

Didn't want to tell me eh?
But you still told me.
You put it on facebook.
KALAU TAK NAK BAGITAU PON TAK PAYAH LA LETAK TEMPAT PUBLIC WHERE I MIGHT POSSIBLY READ!

Babi.
I wonder if i went to Chilli's instead of CPK.
I wonder if Yeen and Afiq would duck or leave.
Maybe they'd even be stupid like the rest of the people i know and actually have the guts to talk to me.
You know what the first thing i'd do if you ever talked to me?
Well, it's not big, but i'd roll my eyes.
One word basis. Maybe even ask me mom to let me go somewhere alone.

I may be shocked at first. Then i won't talk to you. And if any of you EVER read this, know that i don't want to talk to any of you ever again. I DON'T KNOW WHY I STILL SPEND RECESS WITH YOU GUYS. I DON'T KNOW WHY I STILL TALK TO YOU GUYS.

Apparently no one is telling me anything now. Every one is ignoring me.
But i'm proud to say i'm still alive. Cause what doesn't kill me, makes me stronger.
If life had a map view, you guys are just traffic lights, it turns green anyway and i can just drive away from you guys.
Sadly, i have to go home, and you guys are the traffic lights on the only way for me to go further.

But somehow, i like it. Cause the bitter i get, my dreams get bigger.
I know what i want to be now. My jonas dreams are going well too!
I had a BAD dream about joe though. No, not a nightmare.
a BAD BAD dream. 6 words in one sentence made me get goosebumps over goosebumps over chills!
Naughty boy :D

I have my future ahead of me, but of course when i get there, it is my present.
I have 3 crushes now.
I have 3 Celebrity Crush now. Though 2 out of 3 is gay. But according to my brother, all of them are.
Joseph Adam Chris. HOT GAY GAY! :D <33
You might not have came here but i know im a bigger fan of you than they are of Kris.
I may not know much about you than they know about Kris, but i still talk about you and scream about you more than they do of Kris :D

I have back up plans if my plan doesn't work.
But i have decisions to make. And i've always had. TONS AND TONS.
But i have always pushed it aside to be happy to be with my friends.
Now, i'm pushing you people aside.
I need to focus on my decisions. So that i CAN be happy, in the FUTURE. or, my upcoming present.